"Worry is a thin stream of fear, trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained."
I had a panic attack for the first time in quite a while the other day - I'm not happy. It's so...debilitating...I know worse things have happened to people, but after I've had one, all of my thoughts surround it. What I do is dependent on whether I think it will give me another panic attack. I need to escape this trap - I feel like I'm moving on and getting better, and then another one comes a long thats worse than ever and I go right back down the scale again. I think with every one I get, it gets easier and I understand my emotions more, but at the same time I can't stop it whilst its happening, no matter how much I try. I worry that people think I'm overdramatising it...I want people to know that it's not just 'stress' or 'a funny turn' - it's a real problem that I can't overcome regardless of how much people try and help, or push me into doing things my fear of having a panic attack holds me back from doing.
However, on the plus side, I had a letter from the counselling my doctor referred me to - they said that I have a phone appointment with them on Tuesday to discuss my feelings and problems. I'm hoping it will help - I don't think they'll sort the problem, but I'm certain they'll give me some guidance as to how to deal with a panic attack the right way. I think at the end of the day, the ideal situation would be that I accepted whats wrong with me and dealt with it - everyone has their problems, and it's something I just have to live with.
I can tell this is going to be a longer blogging session than normal...
So, Emily and I have been arguing an awful lot recently. I just don't know anymore...I'm worried that the petty fights are actually more than just petty fights...I'm an argumentative person, but like I just really hope that this is healthy fighting, like in a married couple sort of way, rather than an actual problem that needs to be addressed. Either way, I know whatever happens that it's not the end of the world.
Happier note!!! Exams have finally finished! Huzzah! No more stress, no more revision, I don't even have to go to work this weekend! Yesterday was the first time in a good few months where I've been able to sit down and do...nothing. Positively, wonderfully nothing. Bliss. Obviously, in a couple of days time I'll be running around like a headless chicken once again, but for the mean time, I'm enjoying the little break! And this evening, I spent my free time with a small group of wonderful people, so holla Davey P, Hiddi, Dan, Stephen, Hemming, Claire and Emily for a fabulous time - there's no way I'd rather spend my completely free agenda!
Right, in the brilliant words of Looney Tunes -
'That's all folks!'
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